Thank you

Thank you so much for all your good wishes, your cyber-hugs, your love and your words.

 

It means the world.

 

I am in a weird place. Saying to myself all the time that the first tests were good – and that that´s gotta mean something. Then deciding to forget that the second doctor was so sure that it was still malign just from seing it. Even though, of course I can´t forget it. But she did tell me, that this is something I am going to get over – that I will be ok! She told me that.

 

So that´s what I keep saying to myself over and over again. Sometimes through tears. And sometimes while planning the funeral in my head. I guess that it´s normal to act that way, when you think of cancer.

 

I still don´t really understand it. And sometimes I forget it. I go for two minutes doing something else, and it suddenly hits me. Bang! There is cancer in me.

 

Before I had the examinations I had been having so many bad dreams. Stress-dreams where I would forget the wedding, forget that I had a family, forget all kinds of things and make bad decisions, and I have been used to waking up thinking Phewwwww, so good it was just a nightmare. I did that the other day with this. I closed my eyes for a minute and drifted off, then woke up and thought, oh dear what a crappy dream, only to realize that it was real.

 

It´s still real.

 

But I´m saying the words – the first tests were good – I will be ok!

Please say them with me.

 

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Enter angry title here..

So today was awful.

Just right out awful.

I found out Lene has died, and it made me so so sad. And I thought it was a bad sign for the day.

Went to the hospital for my appointment and had the pleasure of first hearing that the growth was good – and not cancerous.

Then the most painful examination to date. But I got through it thinking that I was ok, and that the doctor just needed to see for herself how it looked up there before sending me off to surgery.

Then after seeing the growth for herself the doctor changed her mind, and told me that it actually was bad.

That it was an ugly one.

So now I have cancer.

Cancer.

And I don’t understand it at all.

In less than ten days I have gone from a person with bowel problems, to someone who might have cancer, to someone who has cancer.

Going to some scans tomorrow to figure out how bad it is and for the doctors to see how they will get it out of me.

No words really.

I don’t want to dwell on it but its hard not to. It’s right there shouting in my face constantly. Every time I am painfully at the toilet it screams death to me.

I choose to ignore it. I choose love and kisses. Looking at the trees in my garden. Snuggling up to the sweeties in bed.

9 more days before there is an answer and I can perhaps breathe again.

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Let your windows do the talking..

As always, the magnificient Dosfamily have once again come up with sweet inspiration for my life.

Lying here, trying to get the kids to sleep, with the neighbours making lots of noise, it seemed quite funny.. In summer, with the windows open, sleeping is hard for the little girls. And even though they will soon enough be the ones out there having fun and running up and down the street shouting and singing, I just cant help sometimes cursing the outside noises/barking dogs/electric racing cars/drone helipcopters (wtf!) – and kicking tires..

 

sleep

 

On Dosfamily Isabelle posted THIS  picture of her cabin with cute dreamy eyes painted on the window curtains. I thought that was an awesome idea..

dosfamily

 

Super cute!

 

I wondered how that would look on our curtains..

our house 1

 

Then I thought it perhaps would be hard for the neighbours to understand exactly what it meant, so I tried another option –

our house 2

As in, “please be quite, we are trying to get our kids to sleep so we can be sane adults for just an hour this evening“.

 

Then I thought, I´d just make the message loud and clear –

our house 3

 

Thanks for wonderful inspiration Dosfamily!

– And no, I am not an angry wench, I just thought it was funny! I love loud noises – just not at nap-times.

Good days and dirt

It’s Easter. Holiday. Time off. Lots of expectations and possible frustrations.

But today and yesterday life has been so sweet. The girls have been amazing. We have had no plans. Just the 4 of us and time. There has been no screaming. Not in the ridicolous amount that sometimes occurs anyways. Almost sisterly bliss almost all the time.

And I have felt goddamn lucky!

There has been eastereggs and Lego on the table. Lots of playing and entertaining.

Jolina has been such a big girl helping me and wanting to take part in the tasks. We have baked, gone shopping for seeds, and she has helped me sow them in the garden.

And the garden is playing a big part in life right now.

Yesterday Alan and I went to the garden center and spent way too much money. But we spent it on things we dream about. Plums, nectarines, apples and lots of berries to pick in the summers to come. Harvesting fresh fruit and veggies just outside our door.

And my mum took the girls for a couple of hours while Alan and I worked hard digging, shoveling, planting and watering. It was an awesome two hours. Working so hard without disturbances! We were so efficient just the two of us, and we just sweated away in our little garden bubble without having to help anybody down the slide/trampoline/tree. Even though that of course also is a very nice thing to do, and normally we really enjoy watching the girls play in the garden. But being able to work nonstop was quite good too.

And that is very much what I need right now.

To take my mind off all the things I don’t want to think about, moving blackberry bushes or planting seedlings is just perfect, and the big showel is awesome. The hard dirty work of the earth is good for occupational therapy.

So I have perhaps gone crazy spending my entire student funding this month on trees and seeds. But it’s money well spent on a dream and hope of green and awesome seasons to come.

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The girls were supposed to be in bed..

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The nectarine tree and my view from the bench today.

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And suddenly the sun was out, and the girls had taken of most of their clothes.

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The little seedlings. They make me so excited.

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Goodnight from the happy gardener.

Nothing much to say, but I will try anyways

This post is sad and I don’t even really want to write it. But without it the blog will just fade out, cause I am sure not going to write anything else.

Alan’s grandad passed away. He was a strong, strong man, and he fought hard to the end. We are all sad, and it feels wrong to not ever get to see him again. He always called me slim. Even when I wasn’t. Always so lovely. A great man.

………..

I have been dealing with some health issues. Quite anxiety based, and I finally got my doctor to send me off to further tests at the hospital. Because I basically thought I was dying all the time. All in my head perhaps, but still there.

The tests were supposed to make me feel safe and better. To show me that there is nothing wrong and that I am not sick.

Yesterday at the intestinal test (yay for that ugly image) they found something. Something they could not just remove there, so they had to send me off for more tests, tissue testing and an operation at another hospital.

It was very strange how the mood changed in the hospital room, from the nice nurses trying to chat and joke to take my mind off the uncomfort (or we can say annoying pain) of having a camera up my bum, to the sudden serious mood when the doctor found the nasty polyp. And all I could think of apart from dying was that it’s so unfair thinking of all the broccoli I have eaten.

It’s probably nothing (touch wood). And most often these growths are not dangerous. But for somebody with a serious anxiety fear of cancer and dying, it’s a bad situation.

Every other moment I am thinking its going to be ok. That it has to be ok. And the next I am thinking about who I can match Alan up with to give the girls a nice stepmom.

It’s ridiculous. Painful and annoying. And I just want those feelings to go away. And I want the ugly growth out.

But for now its just about waiting. And pass the time watching silly comedies, reading only books with happy-endings, and blocking all that’s not pleasant to think about.

I should know the result middle of next week.

I know all of you will cross your fingers for me. Thanks for that.

The silly drawing is just trying to make it all a bit funny. There should be a card for a colon check-up. Because humour is what you need in a situation like that.

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