Thank you so much for all your good wishes, your cyber-hugs, your love and your words.
It means the world.
I am in a weird place. Saying to myself all the time that the first tests were good – and that that´s gotta mean something. Then deciding to forget that the second doctor was so sure that it was still malign just from seing it. Even though, of course I can´t forget it. But she did tell me, that this is something I am going to get over – that I will be ok! She told me that.
So that´s what I keep saying to myself over and over again. Sometimes through tears. And sometimes while planning the funeral in my head. I guess that it´s normal to act that way, when you think of cancer.
I still don´t really understand it. And sometimes I forget it. I go for two minutes doing something else, and it suddenly hits me. Bang! There is cancer in me.
Before I had the examinations I had been having so many bad dreams. Stress-dreams where I would forget the wedding, forget that I had a family, forget all kinds of things and make bad decisions, and I have been used to waking up thinking Phewwwww, so good it was just a nightmare. I did that the other day with this. I closed my eyes for a minute and drifted off, then woke up and thought, oh dear what a crappy dream, only to realize that it was real.
It´s still real.
But I´m saying the words – the first tests were good – I will be ok!
Please say them with me.