So today was awful.

Just right out awful.

I found out Lene has died, and it made me so so sad. And I thought it was a bad sign for the day.

Went to the hospital for my appointment and had the pleasure of first hearing that the growth was good – and not cancerous.

Then the most painful examination to date. But I got through it thinking that I was ok, and that the doctor just needed to see for herself how it looked up there before sending me off to surgery.

Then after seeing the growth for herself the doctor changed her mind, and told me that it actually was bad.

That it was an ugly one.

So now I have cancer.

Cancer.

And I don’t understand it at all.

In less than ten days I have gone from a person with bowel problems, to someone who might have cancer, to someone who has cancer.

Going to some scans tomorrow to figure out how bad it is and for the doctors to see how they will get it out of me.

No words really.

I don’t want to dwell on it but its hard not to. It’s right there shouting in my face constantly. Every time I am painfully at the toilet it screams death to me.

I choose to ignore it. I choose love and kisses. Looking at the trees in my garden. Snuggling up to the sweeties in bed.

9 more days before there is an answer and I can perhaps breathe again.

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