The weirdest countdown for a long time..

Standard

I don´t know how normal people prepare for a wedding. And with normal, I don´t really know what I mean, maybe just people who can focus only on the wedding. Without having to worry about other things.

 

Those people probably don´t exist, and I feel quite stupid for writing it.

 

What I mean is just – I am getting married in 6 days. 6 days!

 

And I feel like I would have liked to prepare more.

 

Back when we planned the whole thing, decided on a date, now more than 4 months ago, we were just so excited and so happy. And I was looking forward to all this planning, matching napkins and flowers, little wedding presents for all the guests, everything being beautiful and thoroughly planned out – and most of all perfect.

 

Then cancer came along. Cancer does not care about perfect.

 

Suddenly we had worse shit to think about, and the wedding was a weird thought in my mind. Something in the near future, but I could not really grasp it – what if it would turn into the saddest event of all times in stead of being happy and awesome.

Then I had surgery, and the cancer was gone. I was well, even though still in pain and super stressed about my body not really working properly. That pain is mostly gone now, I can wee myself (yay) and I have gotten used to my stoma as well (as used to it as you can get, I guess), and the only sideeffect of it all now, is just that I still get really tired quickly.

So all is well – it´s just that this wedding is happening right now, so soon, and I feel so underprepared. It´s not that I have not made stuff for it, I have done my 2 dresses, some dresses for the girls, I have practised and failed at doing my hair a million times, tried to make  weddingcake tests,  I have even thought about lipstick and nailpolish colour. But  I still just don´t feel really ready.

I don´t feel happy enough.

I imagined the build-up to the wedding would be such a positive, exciting time. So much joy, love and  anticipation. But in stead we have been sad, stressed worried and overexhausted. And even though the immidiate fear of dying right now is gone, their is a huge build-up of anxiety and sadness in me. Just not that much space for happiness, even though it´s all I want to feel.

 

The last couple of weeks we have desperately tried to finish our delayed exams, to not have them hanging over our head for celebrationstime. We have tried to clean, make less mess, prepare the garden so it does not look like a dump when we are having guests over. We have made endless lists of shit to do, and stressed about all the things we have not done yet.

I imagined that we would just be jumping and running around in flowery meadows. Kiss all the time. Giggle over how much in love we are. Practising our amazing beautuful personal vows. And more romantic silly stuff.

Ha! That has not happened.

 

But we do love each other, and we sometimes giggle. And we have sometimes slowed down to do nice stuff. Perhaps even kissed once or twice.

 

It´s just the way it is, especially with what has been happening. Perhaps, if we had no other stress, no cancer and all that filth, I would have been the worst bridezilla ever. Lucky for Alan I have not had the time or the energy for that.  I have not been on a crazy diet, obsessing over wedding menus or if my cake will fail miserably. Right now I don´t even really give a damn that I am wearing a bag of poop under my dress. Yes, it sucks, but that´s the way it is. I am not perfect, and that bag there is a great reminder, that I am just me. That even though I am heavier than before, older, more annoying maybe, and now with a stoma-bag (that does not go well with sexy white bridal underwear, I tell you) then I am me, and appearantly Alan is happy and ok to marry that.

Not it will just happen. As it is. And it will be amazing, gorgeous and great. How can it not. Happiness does not come from matching flowers and napkins.

20140708-102521-37521616.jpg

Race for Life with my Bestie

Standard

I have this amazing friend – my best friend from when I was 13. We have been through a lot together, and because she lives in London still, I miss her very much.

 

Her way of dealing with my cancer has been to take on pretty much every Race for Life in London she could find. Which means she has been raising money, running her pants off, and will continue to do so – all this summer. For me!

No way of saying how that makes me feel, apart from very grateful,  fuzzy and warm in my heart.

 

I just found out that there is a run the week when we are in London this summer, which means that I can run alongside her. Or huff and puff and stumble alongside her. But anyways, how great is that going to be! She has done all this to fight cancer, to raise money, to support all the victims and survivors,  and then I can actually take part too. It´s going to be awesome.

 

Fuck you cancer, we are coming to get you.

20140627-084938-31778930.jpg
My homegirl – running for me.

Damdadadadadadaaaaaam – the Ring!

Standard

Ok, it is not actuallly physicallly here yet. But the engraving is ordered and on it´s way.

 

It has been a bit of a struggle to figure out the perfect words to write inside it. Alan did come up with something really nice, I totally loved it, but they said in the shop it was too long. And it wasn´t long at all, I just think they were being cheap with the engraving-work, since I have seen really looooong quotes inside other rings. But well, then we had to think hard and come up with something new.

 

- What defines us? What makes our relationship special?

 

And I thought about what it was like that summer in 2007 when we first met. How we were so in love. How we were so ridiculously smug and kissy all over the place – everywhere. (How we both miss it.) And I thought of all the people shouting get a room to us; on the street, the beach (sorry), and other places.

 

So that´s what it´s going to say. Get a room – Happy ever after.

 

It´s silly. But it´s fun, and it´s us. And maybe it will remind me to kiss some more.

- and here is a photo of my hand. With two other rings. Until the 14th of July.
 

 

20140626-161935-58775529.jpg

Enter cancer-worrying and beautiful dresses

Standard

Today has been a strange day. Bad and good. Or weird and good. Weird and then great actually.

It began early this morning with a trip to Aalborg to a consultation with some doctors I have not met before. It was about trying to map out why I was so unlucky to get such an old-mans-cancer at such a young age. So they asked me loads of questions about cancer in my family, trying to figure out any indicators that it could be hereditary. There were no obvious clues but they would still like to investigate further. Like a bloody crime drama. Them they also found some genes that cause the colon cancer in the tissue they took out at my surgery, and they would like to find out if they had spontaneously just happened to form, or if I had that mutation in me. (If any doctors are reading sorry if it sounds strange, perhaps I did not really understand it..)

No matter what my family will now be tested and checked up for colon cancer, so will the girls when they get older, and if I have the gene mutation I will be checked lots more than what’s the plan for now.

It’s weird. Because it makes me feel more sick.

After all this happened to me I have tried to feel normal, tried to not think about all the horrible shit that happened, the even worse shit that could have happened, and the risk of more horrible shit coming in the future.

But this morning made it all so real. I AM in a bigger risk group now. No matter what.

The good thing is that I will be checked up. And I just have to hope and pray that they will catch it if anything evil starts growing inside me again.
Because that is obvious still my biggest fear. Death and serious illness is still so close, and suddenly I felt reminded of that even though I am trying hard to cope with these dark thoughts in the normal everyday.

Perhaps I AM well. Perhaps nothing bad will ever happen to me again. Perhaps it’s all cake and sunshine from here. But for a worrying mind that seems unrealistic. And I am a worrier.

So bleh. What a weird start to the day.

———

- and now to something completely different ..

To make it better I went and shopped for some fabric for the wedding dresses. I have tried to use leftover scraps, and old skirt from London, a blouse that fitted badly etc, but I needed more supplies. If not the long skirt would have been made of bed linen. It looks way better with lace and sequins.

It took my mind of the annoying thoughts, and this afternoon has been spent with my sewing machines finishing the two dresses for the wedding ceremony in Denmark and the party in London. I am more than happy with how they have come out. I feel as elegant as I possibly can with a stoma-bag, and that is great!

I a not ready for this wedding (in less than 3 weeks!) at all, but it am ready to slip into those dresses and be the happiest bride ever.

It’s happening. It’s amazingly awesome. I will be Mrs. Hughes. Ha!

20140624-142520-51920848.jpg

20140624-142523-51923357.jpg

20140624-142521-51921854.jpg

Summer is here

Standard

Time has passed once again, but this time because life is good and just happening all over the place! Not much to complain about.

Yesterday it was a month till the wedding exactly. Yikes! That means that today it’s less than a month. Double yikes!

There is still a lot to do. Lots to plan as well as last invitations to send out, because well, suddenly I got cancer, and everything stalled. A proper excuse but still annoying that we have been sooooo slow.

But hey, that’s us.

Apart from that alan is doing his last exam project, and I also have to write a paper, soon.. And prepare for two exams. We also have a garden that needs a bit more sorting before we are happy with it. And it’s holiday time for the girls soon. Soooo – it’s going to be busy.

But we have had some great days with nothing but pleasure. There was a trip to legoland, the beach, our garden in the sun, birthdays and guests. So much sunshine to help with the stress.

I am feeling better. Lots better actually. But I still get very tired very fast. And I am learning that that is ok! That I am allowed to rest more without feeling too guilty.

I have just been to the gym to see if I could still manage a dancing class, and it went well. That means that I will start my own classes up again soon. And I can’t wait. Yes, it takes energy, but I am so happy dancing, so it will be amazing to do that again. It will make the healing process so much better, I am sure. And maybe it will give me back a little bit of all the muscle I have lost…

So life goes on. It’s great and busy and fast and amazing and hard and rewarding and draining and crazy. And I love it. I am 33 years and 3 days old. And for once I did not worry about getting older, wrinkles and saggy skin. Now old age (once in the future) seems like an amazing prize.

20140615-132349-48229230.jpg

20140615-132348-48228294.jpg

20140615-132352-48232325.jpg

20140615-132350-48230514.jpg

20140615-132348-48228959.jpg

20140615-132347-48227862.jpg

20140615-132351-48231441.jpg

Wanted: Great romantic words

Standard

So – this world is suddenly a much happier one since last Monday, and we have been celebrating it in several ways.

Yesterday I handed in an exam at Uni, and Alan and I took some time afterwards in Aalborg. Suddenly we found ourselves ordering the wedding ring. One only, since Alan is not a man for jewelry. But mine!

It’s classic – although the name put me off a bit – ‘classy light’. Does not sound like the ring of a lifetime, but more like diet yoghurt or something.

Anyways – it is now ordered, and will take the place of the orange plastic ring that is currently on my finger. Found it in the playroom. Perhaps it’s a playmobil headband? Who knows.

But talking to the shop assistant about the engraving both Alan and I were totally blank. What to write..?

So far we are at –

Love you more than LEGO

Love you more than sugar – although that maybe stretching the truth…

Awesomesauce

- and then we have no more! What do we write? What is amazing – how will those words ever be enough to describe our love? Aghrrr!

I put Alan on the job of figuring it out. You can always help him out if you wish …

20140603-175528-64528803.jpg

The huge relief

Standard

 

Many of you already know it from instagram, but I just wanted to write it here too.

 

There is no more cancer in the lymphs and the tumor is out, so now I can hopefully breathe happily and feel safe.

Sigh, right!

 

I went to the hospital yesterday and had the results. No need to say that I was nervous. This whole thing has been an endless waiting game for results after results, but now I am in the clear. They will keep checking up on me often though, since I am so young and it seems so against  the statistics that I should get this kind of old man´s cancer. And the check-up are good of course, even though I guess it will always be hard to wait for results. But I have to just see it as a good thing. A way of knowing. And a way of catching bad things before they go really bad.

 

I am nervous still. Thinking that this could once happen to me, of course it can happen again. But the doctor assured me, that it will not come so quickly that they cannot catch it. So I hope and pray that´s true. But it is going to take a lot of mental training for me to live with this fear, and not let it get in the way of my happiness and ability to enjoy life. No more funeral-planning in my mind, please! I just want to grow so OLD now. And live forever with my lovely family.

I will give my body the best conditions from now on to be healthy (even more than I already did before), and so it´s all out with sugar, red meat and processed shit. It makes it difficult right now, since the ileostomy does not allow a lot of fiber and only very few veggies. And I am really weird about what to eat. But. As soon as the stoma  is reversed and everything hopefully is back to its working state in the late summer I will be all about broccoli. All the goddamn time.

 

And now it´s about being happy. Relieved. Believing that the cancer is really out of me. That there is not a little sneaky asshole metastasis hiding somewhere. For my body to fully recover and then have a happy summer with a bag taped to my stomach.

 

I want to say thank you for all the good thoughts, the love and the positive energy you have sent out for me. I feel very grateful. But I also know a lot of other patients have had the same amount of blessings sent out for them, and they have not been so lucky. So it also feels like the world is still an unfair and evil place. But I will allow myself to be happy. Because for some reason I am ok.

 

 

 

 

20140527-193730-70650901.jpg

20140527-193728-70648929.jpg

20140527-194220-70940185.jpg