I know, I know..

Standard

It’s been ages.

(Spoiler alert – I am feeling mighty sorry for myself right now. Bum-pain is no fun. In case you can’t imagine.)

So much time passes in between these posts that I wonder if this blog is really worth it. For me or for anyone.
But now I will just write this, as if it was a note in my own journal about how it feels at the moment.

And the depressing thing is, that it feels really bad.
It’s been 2 months since surgery, and though the cancer is gone nothing feels better, perhaps even worse due to the internal scar tissue. And of course 2 months isn’t that bad, but I just thought I would be running marathons by now. Just little marathons.

The everyday is an amount of hours with an uncertain amount of pain. I never know when it’s going to be really tough or bearable. Ok, if I don’t eat then I don’t have pain, but that’s also an annoying way to live.
If the day is ok, then I can be almost sure that the night will be long and painful, and the other way round. But that’s as much as I can predict.

I am still talking to doctors, having stuff done, but it feels so wrong to be actually well on paper, and then still be so disabled. To have these crippling contraction pains like I am in goddamn labour every day. And then of course the curse of needing to be close to a toilet constantly. Totally sexy, I know. But that’s the reality right now.

And even though I am well, not sick, but just dealing with the aftermath, it’s hard not to feel sick when I lie awake in pain at night. Like there must be something evil inside me that makes it feel this way.

And that makes me too scared to even fall asleep when the pain goes away.

- and general life is hard too. It’s impossible to plan anything. To go anywhere makes me sweat and stressed. And picking the girls up for once (my mum does it normally), without having to cry into a bush on the way makes me feel like I am the worst mother ever. Because I wish I could just do it every day. Cause that’s what mums should really do.

But today I did. Early. And while Roxie took her nap, Jolina played on the iPad, and I just enjoyed the moment. The coziness. The non pain. Feeling like this was a nice afternoon. Even though it’s not the kind of mum I want to be. Not all the time at least. But I am right now. The stay-at-home-in-bed-iPad-mum. I want to be the mum I was before. The woman I was before.

It’s going to be a while before I get myself back so until then I am just holding on to the good stuff I can get.

IMG_3975.JPG

IMG_3978.JPG

I like big books and I cannot lie!

Standard

books

 

I am a reader. By heart. For a long long time it was one of the ways I defined myself. The daughter of a librarian/writer and a passionate reader, I spent a lot of my childhood with books. Both being read to as well as reading myself. I went to work on saturdays at the library with my dad, and the smell of old books takes me back to that time. Given some coins to spend at the hot chocolate vending machine while I saw how many good reads I could find.

Before the kids I read a lot. And it´s strange to think of a time when it was possible to be absorbed by books a whole weekend. To finish a book as the most important purpose of a day.

Having kids changed that.

No time,  or perhaps just not prioritising it, because vegging out or bingewatching a tv show was an easier type of entertainment when the kids were finally asleep. Reading; actually working my eyes and brain and imagination sometimes just felt like too big a task..

But now. Now I spend half my day in the bathroom and there is suddenly loads of time for me. Time where I have no choice but to be alone. That is now reading time.

(And yes, I understand how books in the loo is kinda gross, but I do not have a choice. It´s that or dying from boredom. And it does not have to be gross.)

So now I am working through books at a great speed. And it´s awesome! The last three books I read not only entertained me, made me cleverer, made me laugh and cry, they also made me want to write again. And that´s a cool thing. Even better that they made it a little bit more pleasurable to have a very troublesome stomach.

I love reading, and even though it sucks that it took a non-normal bowel system to give me time to read again, I still appreciate it.

The books are back in my life. And perhaps writing too..

Flashback to a very special night

Standard

Five years ago I was running up and down some stairs behind the local supermarket. Real Rocky Balboa style. Then I went home, Alan came home from football training and we watched some South Park. Then fell asleep and woke up to go to bed around midnight. I never went to bed properly because the contractions started. We went to the hospital with my mum around 1 am, and then 4 hours later Jolina was born.
Gorgeous, with the bestest smell ever – and the longest legs.

5 years ago and a whole new universe.

20141008-212342-77022157.jpg

20141008-212340-77020683.jpg

Just some Sunday thoughts

Standard

20141005-195050-71450638.jpg

Blogging seems like something almost from another time. Once I couldn’t stop. I posted and posted, always thought I had new and interesting things to write.
That has changed a lot. Like it has for many if the other bloggers I follow. We can’t all keep writing, find the time or the subjects to make it interesting for ourselves or the readers. Or that’s what it feels like maybe. But I know I still love reading posts from those of my regular bloggers who perhaps don’t post as often as they would like. And so I will also keep posting. Once in a while. Probably not really a lot that makes that much sense or is that relevant to any other than myself, but I can always hope some of you will read it with a little bit of pleasure or maybe just to fill the time in a shopping queue.

Cause I have no idea where this blog is going anywhere. It’s all random.
From an attempt to change my mummyblog to a creative blog long time ago, it then suddenly turned into a cancer-blog, and lately it has been either about weddings or farts.

So I can only wonder what it will be from now on.

But tonight it’s just a blurb. It’s a little pause before I have to match all the girls socks so I can save those two minutes in the mornings. It’s a little reminder to myself that I can still be creative, and that I have challenged myself to make more stuff in October, starting with two santa-girls-outfits for the little ones. And then it’s just me saying goodnight and happy Sunday to you all. And not a word about farts.

20141005-195052-71452310.jpg

Romance and stress

Standard

Hi, it’s me again. The farting one.

I am feeling a bit better now, and just trying to get back to normal. With lots of painkillers.

Right now I am trying hard to get myself and the rest of my surroundings ready for our last wedding party on Saturday. The third – final celebration.
I have been looking forward to it all summer, because in my mind it was also going to be a celebration of the final operation and me being back to my normal self again.
Since I don’t feel quite normal yet it’s not going to be exactly as I imagined, but it will be great anyways. It’s just about changing the expectations of how much I am going to prepare and make amazing things happen. Perhaps I will not be doing a choreographed dance with my girlfriends. Perhaps I will not have made the food and dessert myself. And perhaps I will fart or be embarrassing in other ways. But it will be fun.

And I am so looking forward to celebrating, seeing friends from near and far away, dancing, wearing something glittery and some nice heels.

But of course with a party comes some stress. Even though I try hard to keep the levels down.
That means that this night I have been dreaming about all the things that could go wrong, so in my dream it was 6 pm Saturday night, and I had not ordered food, prepared drinks, washed my hair, or thought about how I was going to fit twenty people around our table.

And the dream went on and on, even though I was up several times. It just started up again. Why can’t the good dreams ever continue like that..?

And speaking about good dreams – I have found a new happy place that I go to before falling asleep. A place much better than the place of fear, angst and dread – and it’s the world of Anne of Greengables. We began watching the box set in the weekend. Alan laughed at first, but he liked it too. And I like him very much for indulging me.
Sometimes something overly sweet, romantic and totally safe is just what the doctored ordered.

And then I can dream on about being a cute, 1920s looking Anne on Saturday.

20140922-202502-73502691.jpg</a

20140922-202501-73501066.jpg

News from the embarrassing and awkward dark side

Standard

Back again.
Feels like quite a long time, and when I see the last post with beautiful wedding pictures, it seems even longer.

It’s been exactly a week since I got home from hospital. I was there for only one night, which was nice considering that I shared a 4-bed room this time. With an extreme snorer, an old lady who could not control her cleanse (so so bad..) and a young lady like myself whose healing after the operation had gone wrong (which just made me worry about my healing even more of course).

So it was good to come back home.
For the first days I just waited for the system to work again – to feel a little fart after almost 4 months. It was crazy when that happened. And then imagine you have not pooped for 4 months. That’s some really crazy s..t.
Literally.

And now I know I am supposed to be feeling happy and well that all is over. But I don’t. I am in pain. A lot. And on the toilet. Not just a lot, but all the time.

And it’s one if those things that you don’t say. Out loud, to people or anywhere really.

Bowel problems are not sexy. They can be fun perhaps, as long as you are not the one having the problems, but still, it’s not as easy to talk about as a broken leg or pretty much anything else.

And it’s not that I need or want to talk about it a lot. But the everyday is calling me. There is school, the girls’ routines, Alan’s new job, and our upcoming wedding party for our friends. And I just feel like breaking down a little bit all the time, because I can’t do any of it as well as I want to. Because i can’t just go to the bathroom like a normal person, but because I live my life from there. Day and night. It’s a struggle find a window of twenty minutes picking up the girls from kindergarten. Getting a nights sleep is harder than when the girls were little. And I don’t know how I will manage to feel glamorous or act sane for our long anticipated party.

And when people ask my if I am ok, it’s just so hard to tell that that my ass is on fire. That it is killing me. (Or at least tried to).

I just really hope it gets better soon.

Having an iliestomy was easy compared to this. I don’t miss it. But I was feeling a lot better in my body when I actually had it. How weird. I almost miss it and the simplicity of it.

So that’s how it is.

I am happy, relieved that the operation went well, and I know that even though my body will always be a bit of a mess, it will hopefully get better.

For now it’s just a crappy, shitty, stinky hard time.

20140910-195324-71604057.jpg

Wedding bliss…

Standard

Tomorrow is the day for the first of my two rescheduled exams, and I can´t say that I am looking forward to it. So what better to do (than read and prepare) – posting some of all our lovely weddings pictures from our two great days in July.

 

We had several photographers on our wedding day, and my friend Michelle was so sweet to do an excellent job for us! Some of these are hers, and some are from our fathers. They are all in one big crazy mess now..

 

Looking at them makes me so happy. I wish I could travel back in time and do it again.

 

DSC_0006

I Love Jolinas legs in this one – she looks so grown-up.

 

DSC_0124 DSC_0092

Our cute little girls. They did so well for the ceremony. Just sat nice and still paying attention. Later, for my speech, it was quite a different story – lots of noise and fun – but they had a good time!

 

IMG_0905 IMG_0892 DSC_0201 DSC_0176 DSC_0154Me & my strong guy. Mr and Mrs. Right :-)

 

IMG_0951 IMG_0941 IMG_0933

 

And a precious moment when my dad sang a song for me -

DSC_0243

 

Then off to London! Another awesome party!

 

IMG_1351 IMG_1353 IMG_1380 IMG_1434 kIMG_0767 kIMG_0782

 

I did not do do a choreographed dance with Alan, even though it would have been the coolest. Jolina got to do the jump in stead – and she was well happy. Next time we celebrate I want more dancing.

 

kIMG_0795

Two perfect days. I could not ask for any more than this.