It’s been ages.
(Spoiler alert – I am feeling mighty sorry for myself right now. Bum-pain is no fun. In case you can’t imagine.)
So much time passes in between these posts that I wonder if this blog is really worth it. For me or for anyone.
But now I will just write this, as if it was a note in my own journal about how it feels at the moment.
And the depressing thing is, that it feels really bad.
It’s been 2 months since surgery, and though the cancer is gone nothing feels better, perhaps even worse due to the internal scar tissue. And of course 2 months isn’t that bad, but I just thought I would be running marathons by now. Just little marathons.
The everyday is an amount of hours with an uncertain amount of pain. I never know when it’s going to be really tough or bearable. Ok, if I don’t eat then I don’t have pain, but that’s also an annoying way to live.
If the day is ok, then I can be almost sure that the night will be long and painful, and the other way round. But that’s as much as I can predict.
I am still talking to doctors, having stuff done, but it feels so wrong to be actually well on paper, and then still be so disabled. To have these crippling contraction pains like I am in goddamn labour every day. And then of course the curse of needing to be close to a toilet constantly. Totally sexy, I know. But that’s the reality right now.
And even though I am well, not sick, but just dealing with the aftermath, it’s hard not to feel sick when I lie awake in pain at night. Like there must be something evil inside me that makes it feel this way.
And that makes me too scared to even fall asleep when the pain goes away.
– and general life is hard too. It’s impossible to plan anything. To go anywhere makes me sweat and stressed. And picking the girls up for once (my mum does it normally), without having to cry into a bush on the way makes me feel like I am the worst mother ever. Because I wish I could just do it every day. Cause that’s what mums should really do.
But today I did. Early. And while Roxie took her nap, Jolina played on the iPad, and I just enjoyed the moment. The coziness. The non pain. Feeling like this was a nice afternoon. Even though it’s not the kind of mum I want to be. Not all the time at least. But I am right now. The stay-at-home-in-bed-iPad-mum. I want to be the mum I was before. The woman I was before.
It’s going to be a while before I get myself back so until then I am just holding on to the good stuff I can get.