At last I am back from the long break. I don´t even dare look at how long it actually is since my last post, but it feels like ages.
A lot has happened. Marriage the most important thing for sure. But apart from that it has not been quiet either. I will post lots ans lots (and LOTS) of wedding pictures later, but for now I think I just need to breathe. A long written breath of all the things that are going on inside me.
The day after tomorrow it will be 3 months exactly since my operation. I was supposed to only have the ileostomy for those 3 months (which is NOW), but due to summer holiday and all I will be having it an extra month. That means, if all is well with the healing inside my, as I will go to have checked out in a couple of weeks. If the doctors say ok, then I am off to the surgery table again, hopefully to come back without a bag attached to my stomach. That sounds great, doesn´t it!
Of course it is hard for me to really trust that that will happen. That all will go well, and that no complications will occur. My worrying nature is not dealing with all this very well. Apart from that, there also is the fact that after the operation is reversed my body won´t function as well as it used to. So the even worse taboo-thing like crapping your pants might happen. That is no fun, and also kind of tough on your social life. (All you ladies out there going through crazy hard childbirths with that kind of complications, please feel free to comment and say that it´s really not that bad.) Shit happens. But not a thing to look forward to, when you finally think you will be yourself again. When I imagine myself in a month, all I see is me wearing nothing but bikinis or cropped tops. But perhaps I will not enjoy it that much, if I will be stuck in the toilet all the time.
But so far I still have a ileostomy. And I took a picture of it today for the #getyourbellyout campaign. It was in the gym, after showering there after my class – IN PUBLIC – for the first time in these 3 months.
I felt oddly about it.
For one, all the amazing nice comments make me blush and smile.
Secondly I feel that I am such a fake for doing it, since I will (most likely) not have my stoma in a month. So it´s like this weird accessory I borrowed, and then it suddenly gives me lots of attention.
Third – I am sure I would not be coping half as well if my stoma was permanent – like it is for most of the people with it, and which I fear is going to happen to me, if I get sick again.
Vanity and the fear of dying. Such simple emotions that both grip me most of the time.
One of my old friends sent me a message last night, ending it with the words – “remember you are well and cancer-free” which was nice to hear. Maybe even nicer because she is a doctor. But I really need to remind myself of that, because in my head I still feel sick, worried and afraid of being sick.
I hope it will change when my body feels more like my own again.
Thanks for listening. Apart from all this life is good. Great. It´s awesome to finally be able to call Alan my husband, and I so enjoy the ring on my finger.
The next post will be less about poop and more about the wedding.