I don´t know how normal people prepare for a wedding. And with normal, I don´t really know what I mean, maybe just people who can focus only on the wedding. Without having to worry about other things.
Those people probably don´t exist, and I feel quite stupid for writing it.
What I mean is just – I am getting married in 6 days. 6 days!
And I feel like I would have liked to prepare more.
Back when we planned the whole thing, decided on a date, now more than 4 months ago, we were just so excited and so happy. And I was looking forward to all this planning, matching napkins and flowers, little wedding presents for all the guests, everything being beautiful and thoroughly planned out – and most of all perfect.
Then cancer came along. Cancer does not care about perfect.
Suddenly we had worse shit to think about, and the wedding was a weird thought in my mind. Something in the near future, but I could not really grasp it – what if it would turn into the saddest event of all times in stead of being happy and awesome.
Then I had surgery, and the cancer was gone. I was well, even though still in pain and super stressed about my body not really working properly. That pain is mostly gone now, I can wee myself (yay) and I have gotten used to my stoma as well (as used to it as you can get, I guess), and the only sideeffect of it all now, is just that I still get really tired quickly.
So all is well – it´s just that this wedding is happening right now, so soon, and I feel so underprepared. It´s not that I have not made stuff for it, I have done my 2 dresses, some dresses for the girls, I have practised and failed at doing my hair a million times, tried to make weddingcake tests, I have even thought about lipstick and nailpolish colour. But I still just don´t feel really ready.
I don´t feel happy enough.
I imagined the build-up to the wedding would be such a positive, exciting time. So much joy, love and anticipation. But in stead we have been sad, stressed worried and overexhausted. And even though the immidiate fear of dying right now is gone, their is a huge build-up of anxiety and sadness in me. Just not that much space for happiness, even though it´s all I want to feel.
The last couple of weeks we have desperately tried to finish our delayed exams, to not have them hanging over our head for celebrationstime. We have tried to clean, make less mess, prepare the garden so it does not look like a dump when we are having guests over. We have made endless lists of shit to do, and stressed about all the things we have not done yet.
I imagined that we would just be jumping and running around in flowery meadows. Kiss all the time. Giggle over how much in love we are. Practising our amazing beautuful personal vows. And more romantic silly stuff.
Ha! That has not happened.
But we do love each other, and we sometimes giggle. And we have sometimes slowed down to do nice stuff. Perhaps even kissed once or twice.
It´s just the way it is, especially with what has been happening. Perhaps, if we had no other stress, no cancer and all that filth, I would have been the worst bridezilla ever. Lucky for Alan I have not had the time or the energy for that. I have not been on a crazy diet, obsessing over wedding menus or if my cake will fail miserably. Right now I don´t even really give a damn that I am wearing a bag of poop under my dress. Yes, it sucks, but that´s the way it is. I am not perfect, and that bag there is a great reminder, that I am just me. That even though I am heavier than before, older, more annoying maybe, and now with a stoma-bag (that does not go well with sexy white bridal underwear, I tell you) then I am me, and appearantly Alan is happy and ok to marry that.
Not it will just happen. As it is. And it will be amazing, gorgeous and great. How can it not. Happiness does not come from matching flowers and napkins.