Feels like quite a long time, and when I see the last post with beautiful wedding pictures, it seems even longer.
It’s been exactly a week since I got home from hospital. I was there for only one night, which was nice considering that I shared a 4-bed room this time. With an extreme snorer, an old lady who could not control her cleanse (so so bad..) and a young lady like myself whose healing after the operation had gone wrong (which just made me worry about my healing even more of course).
So it was good to come back home.
For the first days I just waited for the system to work again – to feel a little fart after almost 4 months. It was crazy when that happened. And then imagine you have not pooped for 4 months. That’s some really crazy s..t.
And now I know I am supposed to be feeling happy and well that all is over. But I don’t. I am in pain. A lot. And on the toilet. Not just a lot, but all the time.
And it’s one if those things that you don’t say. Out loud, to people or anywhere really.
Bowel problems are not sexy. They can be fun perhaps, as long as you are not the one having the problems, but still, it’s not as easy to talk about as a broken leg or pretty much anything else.
And it’s not that I need or want to talk about it a lot. But the everyday is calling me. There is school, the girls’ routines, Alan’s new job, and our upcoming wedding party for our friends. And I just feel like breaking down a little bit all the time, because I can’t do any of it as well as I want to. Because i can’t just go to the bathroom like a normal person, but because I live my life from there. Day and night. It’s a struggle find a window of twenty minutes picking up the girls from kindergarten. Getting a nights sleep is harder than when the girls were little. And I don’t know how I will manage to feel glamorous or act sane for our long anticipated party.
And when people ask my if I am ok, it’s just so hard to tell that that my ass is on fire. That it is killing me. (Or at least tried to).
I just really hope it gets better soon.
Having an iliestomy was easy compared to this. I don’t miss it. But I was feeling a lot better in my body when I actually had it. How weird. I almost miss it and the simplicity of it.
So that’s how it is.
I am happy, relieved that the operation went well, and I know that even though my body will always be a bit of a mess, it will hopefully get better.
For now it’s just a crappy, shitty, stinky hard time.