Brave, bold or just plain silly..?

I know that I recently wrote a blog post about who I am, so perhaps you think that you know pretty well what I am about.

And perhaps you do.

Right now I am standing by a huge crossroad, though. And now I am going to tell you about it. It is about being brave and bold.

This is my last week as an assistant professor at the campus where I have spent the  last 14 months teaching. And boy, have I loved teaching.

The students at the bachelor program where I teach are simply the best. They are curious, fun, brilliant and adventurous. And I have had the pleasure of teaching them some of my favourite things like branding, communication and culture. It has been a honour. I am sure so many of them will go on to do great things.

It has also been a workplace with lots of energy and the kindest colleagues. I sure will miss them.

I began in November 2018 and it truly was landing the job of my dreams. I was so happy.

 

But the year that followed has personally been so hellish and just plain and simply broke me.

In January 2019 my amazing little brother was killed in a horrible accident. I never even knew there could be so much pain in the world. The following months where we tried to stay sane together in the family, my mother´s cancer flamed up again and she had to go through treatments and chemo all Summer. I also had so many pains in my body and I was sure that my cancer too was coming back. So it was a tough time to plough trough.

Luckily my mum is doing so much better now.

I worked as hard as I could, both in my job, and doing the creative things I love in the weekends. Keeping busy was what I thought would save me from feelings and sorrow.

But you can only do that for so long. For me it took a year till I woke up and felt that something was horribly wrong. That I was just exhausted.

…

When Kasper died we promised to be good to each other, to be there for each other, and to do more of the things that make us happy – which was how he lived, always searching out new adventures and being an awesome person to his closest people.

I did not do that at all in the year following his death. Instead I was just a robot. I put so much energy and stress into my job, because I felt that I had to, and not enough care and work into my nearest and most valuable squad.

I have not been the mother I wanted to be, the daughter, the wife, the friend nor the grieving sister. I have not been the person, I wanted to be, and I have closed up and sealed off so many emotions and pain because there was not time or space for them. I have been a robot slightly resembling a human being. Because I thought work was the most important thing.

And I didn’t suddenly realize that it was wrong, I had figured that out before, but I suddenly realized that it was ok to do something about it. That it was ok to throw away a dream job, when the timing is just bad. That it is ok to aim lower. To not care about the prestige and salary that comes with a professor-program and the coolness of doing something I always thought I dreamed about. That it is ok to just say stop – even when you have no clue about what´s next.

The job is great, and I am also great, but I am just not that kind of great right now.

So I chose to end the teaching career and choose my family. To take a breather for the first time since january 2^nd 2019 and just figure out what is going to be the best for my family.

I don’t have another job in the pipeline, and I don’t at all make enough money of sewing and crafting to make that my career. But I am happy to have it as a hobby that helps keep me happy.

I know that I even in the area where I live, where good jobs aren´t easy to find, in an economy that is challenged, that I will still find something else. I will not be picky, money is not important, but time is.

I feel brave and anxious at the same time, because I have no idea about what will happen. The normal worries kick in – How will we make it? What will I end up doing? Will it all go horribly wrong? But it seems like those questions are not the important ones right now, and the only answer I can come up with is, that it does not matter, only keeping my sanity – finding back to being a whole person – and the most important squad – my family matter.

And I so can´t wait to start living that life.

I know that Kasper would cheer for me doing this.