I know that I recently wrote a blog post about who I am, so perhaps you think that you know pretty well what I am about.
And perhaps you do.
Right now I am standing by a huge crossroad, though. And now I am going to tell you about it.
This is my last week as an assistant professor at the campus where I have spent the last 14 months teaching. And boy, have I loved teaching.
The students at the bachelor program where I teach are simply the best. They are curious, fun, brilliant and adventurous. And I have had the pleasure of teaching them some of my favourite things like branding, communication and culture. It has been a honour. I am sure so many of them will go on to do great things.
It has also been a workplace with lots of energy and the kindest colleagues. I sure will miss them.
I began in November 2018 and it truly was landing the job of my dreams. I was so happy.
But the year that followed has personally been so hellish and just plain and simply broke me.
In January 2019 my amazing little brother was killed in a horrible accident. I never even knew there could be so much pain in the world. The following months where we tried to stay sane together in the family, my mother´s cancer flamed up again and she had to go through treatments and chemo all Summer. I also had so many pains in my body and I was sure that my cancer too was coming back. So it was a tough time to plough trough.
Luckily my mum is doing so much better now.
I worked as hard as I could, both in my job, and doing the creative things I love in the weekends. Keeping busy was what I thought would save me from feelings and sorrow.
But you can only do that for so long. For me it took a year till I woke up and felt that something was horribly wrong. That I was just exhausted.
When Kasper died we promised to be good to each other, to be there for each other, and to do more of the things that make us happy – which was how he lived, always searching out new adventures and being an awesome person to his closest people.
I did not do that at all in the year following his death. Instead I was just a robot. I put so much energy and stress into my job, because I felt that I had to, and not enough care and work into my nearest and most valuable squad.
I have not been the mother I wanted to be, the daughter, the wife, the friend nor the grieving sister. I have not been the person, I wanted to be, and I have closed up and sealed off so many emotions and pain because there was not time or space for them. I have been a robot slightly resembling a human being. Because I thought work was the most important thing.
And I didn’t suddenly realize that it was wrong, I had figured that out before, but I suddenly realized that it was ok to do something about it. That it was ok to throw away a dream job, when the timing is just bad. That it is ok to aim lower. To not care about the prestige and salary that comes with a professor-program and the coolness of doing something I always thought I dreamed about. That it is ok to just say stop – even when you have no clue about what´s next.
The job is great, and I am also great, but I am just not that kind of great right now.
So I chose to end the teaching career and choose my family. To take a breather for the first time since january 2nd 2019 and just figure out what is going to be the best for my family.
I don’t have another job in the pipeline, and I don’t at all make enough money of sewing and crafting to make that my career. But I am happy to have it as a hobby that helps keep me happy.
I know that I even in the area where I live, where good jobs aren´t easy to find, in an economy that is challenged, that I will still find something else. I will not be picky, money is not important, but time is.
I feel brave and anxious at the same time, because I have no idea about what will happen. The normal worries kick in – How will we make it? What will I end up doing? Will it all go horribly wrong? But it seems like those questions are not the important ones right now, and the only answer I can come up with is, that it does not matter, only keeping my sanity – finding back to being a whole person – and the most important squad – my family matter.
And I so can´t wait to start living that life.
I know that Kasper would cheer for me doing this.